A few days ago, I had a great discussion with a number of my friends regarding the stages of marriage, loss, and change. Basically, there was an assertion put forward that marriage and change incur the same cyclic feelings as loss does. The 5 stages of loss (and by extension marriage and change) are as follows:

Stage 1 - Denial
Stage 2 - Anger 
Stage 3 - Bargaining
Stage 4 - Depression
Stage 5 - Acceptance

The idea is that for both men and women (although a few people at the table felt that only men do this and women magically do something different), there is a denial about the change that happens when one enters a marriage or incurs change. The denial is based on the idea that you can have both your former "single" life, and your "married" life as well. I will personally add that there was a lot of deep sorrow placed on the term "married life" and joy placed in the "single life" definition. So you think you have both the same freedoms of being single and the benefits of being married without any of the responsibilities that go along with marriage. This is the first stage.

Exiting the first stage, you have to recognize your responsibilities and face up to them. No you can't do that anymore because it is your turn to make dinner on those days. No you can't spend an evening with your friends because you have to be at home to watch the kids. You get the idea. This eventually leads to the perception of suffocating or loss of control, and that brews anger. When you are at this point, apparently you are now in stage 2.

Stage three was the most fun to listen to... bargaining. Husband says "I'm going out with my friends tomorrow." Wife says "Not if you want sex this week". This is apparently the act of bargaining, and from what I can tell most of my friends aren't very good at it. Mostly, they laugh about it as if it was futile effort of the past, share requests and compromises and how those didn't quite pan out the way they want. I love the fact that the most common bargaining chips tend to be sex and the shared use of a motor vehicles. In any case, I have determined that if I have many of my married friends around, it is always fun to discuss how bargaining works in their relationships!

Depression sets in after you recognize the futility of bargaining. Something has to go, and until you let you you will remain as a "Stage 4" patient. I have seen a few friends go through this, not just in marriage, but in so many relationships. Usually the signs show up as sighs randomly spread out across a conversation, even if the conversation is a fun one. Depression is a sad topic to discuss, as bringing up what was stressing a stage 4 patient still makes them sigh, even if they have progressed through this stage.

Finally, when you resolve the conflict and embrace the change, you move into the last stage... acceptance. You recognize the loss and adopt your new life. When moving into the acceptance phase, many people choose divorce instead of remaining in the marriage. The question when entering stage 5 is: "Do you fight or get divorced?" Either way, you have embraced the changes and adopted your new life.

So my real thoughts here is that any change can lead up to this. With an ideal partner, you should be able to talk about and embrace these changes... work through them as a team. Why not? While you cannot sync with each other or agree on every issue, why can't you talk through things in the bargaining phase. Perhaps both of you bend a little bit. It seems that doesn't seem to be happening very often nowadays. Note that I am far from experienced in these fields, and very much are an idealist. I have been in relationships for years and I don't remember ever having to rectify my single life with my relationship life in any significant depressing way. When I parted from the relationships, it was usually because our futures were not on the same path, or they do not really understand me. Perhaps this is the point... when you have made that choice, and there is no easy way out, then perhaps it is a very different game indeed.

Shortly after having this discussion, I went to a party and talked to two friends who celebrated 24 years of marriage with several kids produced from the relationship. He plays guitar backwards and makes crazy songs... is very driven. She balances him, being much more relaxed, a very good listener, and has no problem working a farm. Their energies really sync. I am sure they have been through some challenges. Still, I saw something here. I don't think these phases were so bad because what they gained from the relationship far outweighed what was lost. They were happier and more fulfilled, and as a result they embraced the changes that were presented to them.

Now, since this will be on my website, and if you happen to be the spouse of anyone who think I was talking with, then I want to absolutely positively assert that your husband or wife wasn't present, and if they were (which you know they were not), then they did nothing but shake their head and stay out of the conversation.

At first glance this just seems insane to me, but I am also seeing some benefits, as well as warning signs. I don't think I would recommend this kind of cleanse to anyone without consulting a doctor first. To give you an idea, I will cover a number of things that I am noticing...

First, an intense craving for mexican food. Sure I am craving Phở every day... but that is not abnormal for me. However, I have a dream now of a bean and chicken chimichanga with refried beans and rice (including tomatoes of course), and a big ass margarita... ideally that says "Big Ass Margarita" on the glass. This craving extends to pretty much everything that comes in a box, bag, or any food which could be artfully presented at a potluck gathering.

I am also noticing dramatic changes in my weight. I could lose 15 pounds, and I was hoping to do that over a year. I decided to weigh myself twice a day to make certain that I don't lose more than 5 pounds in the month. However, in the first two days I gained weight... 3 pounds to be certain... so I skipped stepping on the scale for a few days because I wanted to not focus on the weight. However, I weighed myself two days ago (day 6) and not only lost the 3 pounds, but an additional 8 pounds too. Holy crap! For the last two days I have been eating as much as I can stand... yep, still losing about 2 pounds a day. So I am really freaking out, and trying to eat more frequent meals, etc..

The first week was terrible for my energy. Now that I am over the first week, I am excited to say that it appears that the first week was the easy one. I was running about 20 miles a week, and now I am somewhere around 10-12. My blood sugar just drops through the floor and my feet just stop. I am fine for about an hour or so after each meal, and then suddenly not so fine.

I'm also a bit more reclusive. Being social seems a bit of a task... energy? Since I am very outgoing, this just puts me into the normal category I believe. Still, these next weeks will be a wonder!

The positives? Spiritually, I am feeling more and less focused at the same time. My mind seems more open, more aware, and yet all over the map. Today, I feel more focused... like my mind is being sharpened and honed as a tool. Physically... not so much.

Try and eat only organically grown foods as they reportedly have 2-5x more nutrients and it will decrease exposure to pesticides. There is no restriction on the amount of food you can eat. The foods listed are only examples of foods to eat. Try to compose meals of approximately 40% carbohydrates, 30% protein and 30% healthy fats. Try to eat any 1 food no more than 5 times a week. Plan your meals ahead of time and try to find at least 10 recipes you enjoy.

Steamed vegetables:
• The primary reason for using steamed vegetables is that steaming improves the utilization or the availability of the food nutrients allowing the GI mucosa to repair itself. Use minimal raw vegetables except as a salad. Include at least 1 green vegetable daily.
• Eat a variety of any and all vegetables (except tomatoes, potatoes) that you can tolerate. It is best to try and eat mostly the lower carbohydrate (3, 6%) vegetables. For example:
3% - asparagus, bean sprouts, beet greens, broccoli, red & green cabbage, cauliflower, celery, Swiss chard, cucumber, endive, lettuce (red, green, romaine), mustard greens, parsley, radish, spinach, watercress.
6% - string beans, beets, Bok Choy, brussel sprouts, chives, collards, eggplant, kale, kohlrabi, leeks, onion, parsley, red pepper, pumpkin, rutabagas, turnip, zucchini.
15% - artichoke, parsnip, green peas, squash, carrot.
20+% - yam.
Add your favorite spices to enhance the taste of these vegetables.

Grains:
• Eat one to two cups of cooked grains per day of those you tolerate, unless you have indications of high insulin levels such as overweight, high blood pressure, high cholesterol or diabetes.
• Allowed grains include: amaranth, barley, buckwheat, millet, oatmeal, quinoa, basmati or brown rice, rye, teff.
• Other grain foods that may be eaten are rice crisps and Wasa crackers.

Legumes:
• Eat a variety of any legumes that you are able to tolerate. Soak for 48-72 hours and cook slowly: split peas, lentils, kidney beans, pinto beans, fermented soy (tempeh or miso), mung beans, garbanzo beans, aduki & azuki beans.

Fish:
• Poach, bake, steam, or broil deep-sea ocean (vs. farmed) fish (cod, haddock, halibut, mackerel, sardines, summer flounder, wild Pacific salmon) is preferred - no shellfish (shrimp, lobster, crab, clam).
Chicken/ Turkey:
• Eat only the meat & not the skin of free – range or organically grown chicken/turkey. Bake, broil, steam.

Meat:
• Lamb, buffalo, venison, elk are OK

Fruit:
• Eat only 1 or 2 pieces of practically any fruit except citrus. If possible, it is preferred to eat the fruit baked (such as a baked apple or pear). Like the vegetables, try to eat mostly the low carbohydrate fruits. For example:
3% - cantaloupe, rhubarb, strawberries, melons
6% - apricot, blackberries, cranberries, papaya, peach, plum, raspberries, kiwi
15% - apple, blueberries, cherries, grapes, mango, pear, pineapple, pomegranate
20+% - banana, figs, prunes

Sweeteners:
• Occasionally maple syrup, rice syrup, barley syrup, raw honey or stevia – use ONLY with meals.
• Absolutely no sugar, NutraSweet, or any other sweetener is allowed.

Seeds and Nuts:
• Grind flax, pumpkin, sesame or sunflower seeds and add to steamed vegetables, cooked grains etc. You may also eat nut and seed butters – almond, brazil, cashew, sesame etc.

Butter/Oils:
• For butter, mix together 1 pound of organic butter and 1 cup of extra virgin olive oil (from a new dark jar). Whip at room temperature and store in the refrigerator.
• Use extra virgin olive oil for all other situations requiring oil.

Spices:
• To add a delightful flavor to your food choices, add whatever spices you enjoy.

To Drink:
• A MINIMUM of 6 to 8 glasses of spring, bottled, filtered or reverse-osmosis filtered water every day. Drink 1/2 your body weight in ounces of water daily. Sip the water, try to drink 1 glass per hour. A few drops of chlorophyll will add a pleasant taste. NO distilled water.
• Small amounts of soy, rice, or oat milk are allowed ONLY on cooked grains or in cooking.

For the time being, avoid the following foods:
all animal milks
all animal cheeses
all corn products
commercial eggs (organic OK)
potatoes – red or white
tomatoes
all wheat products including
breads
white flour
citrus fruits
all fruit juices
all dried fruit
peanuts/ peanut butter
any processed food
fried foods
meat - red meat (beef, pork)
all caffeinated teas, coffee
alcohol

Inflammation is a set of symptoms that includes pain, swelling, heat and redness of an affected organ or tissue. It's the way the body's immune system responds to attack, infection or injury. The immune system response to an unsatisfactory diet can lead to chronic inflammation of various body systems, leading to conditions such as arthritis and various auto-immune diseases like lupus. Recently there has been an increased focus on diets and lifestyle plans that seek to end the cycle of inflammation and its deleterious consequences.

Foods that fight inflammation

A typical anti-inflammatory diet focuses on creating anti-inflammatory prostaglandins instead of pro-inflammatory prostaglandins. Prostaglandins are hormones produced by the body whose function is to regulate the body's inflammatory response. We produce these hormones from the fats we ingest as part of our diets, and it's been found that different types of fat result in the production of different types of prostaglandins. One key part of an effective anti-inflammatory diet is to ingest only ""good"" fats and avoid ""bad"" ones.

1. The good fats - ones you should eat

Omega-3 Fatty Acid, found mainly in cold-water fish like mackerel, salmon, sardines, anchovies, and herring. The oils of wild-caught fish contain a significantly higher proportion of Omega-3 than the oils of farm-raised fish. Other sources of Omega-3 are nuts and seeds. These vegetable sources include walnuts, brazil nuts, and almonds along with pumpkin and sunflower seeds. 

For further information on what to look for when buying fish see the following article from TheDietChannel: Fish Safety & Buying Guide.

2. The bad fats - ones you should avoid

Polyunsaturated and partly hydrogenated fats and oils lead to the synthesis of pro-inflammatory prostaglandins and so should be eliminated from the diet. It's not easy to avoid these ""bad fats,"" as they are found in most processed foods. Trans-fats should be strictly avoided; this can be done by using olive oil instead of margarine and shortening. Olive oil contains Omega-9 essential fatty acids which work in concert with Omega-3 EFAs and increase its benefits to the body.

3. Other foods good for preventing inflammation

A number of other foods have anti-inflammatory qualities and should be part of the diet. These foods contain high levels of <vitamin A, vitamin C, and vitamin E:
• Fruits and Vegetables -- blackberries, strawberries, raspberries, kiwi fruit, peaches, mango, cantaloupe melon, apples, carrots, squash, sweet potato, spinach, kale, collard greens, broccoli, cabbage, and Brussels sprouts.
• Grains -- lentils, chick peas (garbanzo beans), brown rice, wheat germ, and non-instant oatmeal.

Two other essential components of an effective anti-inflammatory diet are Ginger and Turmeric, known since ancient times for their ameliorative properties.


Feel the benefit of the Anti-Inflammatory Diet


People who have suffered any of the wide range of symptoms linked with inflammation can feel real benefits by switching to an anti-inflammatory diet. Among the positive changes you may experience are:

• Reduction in joint pain due to Arthritis.
• Improved digestion.
• Lower blood cholesterol and triglyceride levels.
• Relief from symptoms of Depression and Bi-polar Disorder.


An anti-inflammatory diet follows principles of good nutrition by reducing intake of unhealthy fats, and increasing consumption of healthy fats, fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. Even if you don't have any overt inflammation, the diet itself is healthy and will do its part to keep you healthy, too.

I was told in a journey that I needed to do a 30 day detox/cleanse of my body to clean away toxins and help energy flow more smoothly. I normally am very against any radical change in ones diet, because it tends to set your body into "starvation mode" and the long term effects are horrid. Now I find myself facing this test, and I hope to share information later along this journey that will help people decide whether it is something they wish to pursue or not. It turns out that there is a lot to be said for reducing foods that are inflammatory. Sad thing is that most everything I enjoy has something inflammatory in it. I pretty much cannot eat out anywhere because almost everything has wheat or gluten in it! What I suspect in the end is that I will say "don't do it... run away". But we will see!

Initially, my research led to the following facts about what common foods are inflammatory:

- all dairy (damn no cheese)
- all wheat and wheat products (including gluten) (damn no fresh bread) 
- all meat (damn no chicken)
- some fishes (damn no salmon)
- all nightshades (like potatoes, tomatoes, and eggplant)... no potatoes!?! WTF, what did they ever do?

But now I am formally getting a list together while I happily eat an apple (I bought a few honey crisps as a treat to start things out right). I found some nifty websites indicating a whole range of foods... what is and isn't inflammatory, and began a plan on what to include and exclude. I found a very good site about inflammation factors (IF) and IF data, which promised a list of everything I could eat. It looks legit, so here is the link...

http://www.nutritiondata.com/help/inflammation#example

I read some bits about how Omega-3 foods are really good, and fatty and processed foods bad. Cool! About two minutes later I noticed apples on the inflammatory list! I spit out the rest of the apple, cursed in a guttural language that would make a Klingon proud, and began to read more carefully... No sugar! Ack, that means no alcohol... yep! I can eat salmon, but only if it is wild (apparently farm raised salmon is just about the worst thing you can do with mercury anyways). Raw jalapeno peppers... um, yum? Almonds and peanuts are good, but Oatmeal is right out (which I bought a whole bunch of on sale lately).

Okay, this is starting to suck real quick! However, I know 2 people who don't eat any of these things because they suffer serious joint pain and also debilitating effects if they even touch a nightshade, so I know there is some truth behind this terribly stupid idea.

Without further ado, here is a sample of IF data for a whole number of foods. For the record, negative is bad, and positive is good.